This month. April 2008. We have pretty much had weather from every single month. We’ve had snow, sun, warm, hot, cold and freezing!!
What a crazy month it is been weather wise. Thats it for now because I can’t really be bothered to type any more now 
Well, I finally got round to adding something to the site.
It’s nothing major, just added another gallery. This gallery is of the snow a few days ago. April the 6th 2008. Snow… April? England? The pictures are there to prove it.
Have fun.
I seem to have a really bad habit of deleting my posts the following day at the moment. However, This post WILL stay!
Today started as any other busy day at the yard. However, I had the chance to assist in removing a lump from one of our horses legs. The horse had an accident several months ago now. During this time I was also taught how to administer a certain type of injection, as the horse will need this injection everyday for a while. When I was first asked to be the “assistant” yesterday I was pleased that I had been asked and was looking forward to it. I’m grateful for being given the hands on experience. I’ll admit that I didn’t do a great deal (took pictures, handed bandages and gave an injection), but I learnt quite a bit, and enjoyed it.
Apart from that, I managed to get someone to do more work than they usually would. I’m going to employ certain tactics tomorrow to see if I can get our laziest worker to do a half decent amount for a change. Wish me luck 
I want to type more. There is probably lots I could type at the moment, but I keep removing posts lately, so hopefully this one will stay up.
A few weeks ago now at work I accidently made a friend without realising. I was told on this day that it is the first time ever that he has spent an entire day with someone. On the very same day I was asked if I would like to take him home and keep him because he has never seemed so happy in his life. Now, several weeks later, I’ve became quite the chum. At the yard where I often split logs, whenever I’m there, you can guarantee that he will be with me.
With much regret I had to turn down the offer of keeping him, since my current life style and accommodation would not be in his best interests. Still, he is often referred to as mine. I was thanked today for making and keeping him happy, yet I must say, he does the very same thing for me. I’ve grown quite fond of him, as he obviously has me, since when I’m at that yard, he stays with me all day and doesn’t go home unless I take him home or somebody comes and drags him back. Anyway, it has been said for as long as I can remember that a dog is a mans best friend. Here he is. His name is Fido.
If there is one thing that annoys me more than anything, it is people who think they know everything about me. People that think they know the way my mind works. People that think they understand me in general. There is only one person I have ever met who actually knows me. Even this person does not know me fully. Why do people assume that what they think is truth? My mind is my own. I keep my mind as my own. You can sit and tell me who I am all day long, but you’ll still not get it right. I’m yet to meet a single person who knows what I am thinking at any one time. People, should they bother to actually read my writings, will probably read and say, he is saying this, this, that, and this, therefore he must be thinking this, this is how his mind works. Wrong every time.
This is why I don’t like being around others most of the time. Is this why I don’t like myself? because no-one understands me? Is this why I’m shy unless pissed out my head? Is this why I have very little self confidence? No? Yes? None of the above.
I am a listener, always have been. I can give advice on most subjects most of the time. Does this mean I can figure out other people? No. I believe that it is more likely to be somewhere along the lines of having a good working mind. I can take something I know nothing about, think, and solve. An example of this could be the pregnancy of a friend when I was in college. I’ve never been pregnant, never will be unless I’m some kind of tremendous freak of the new age and have somehow become asexual.
Is this what I came here to write? No. I wanted to write something else. There is something that comes across my mind everyday that I want to write. It is not always the same thing. My thoughts of what I want to write are still in my head every time I begin to write here. However, due to the fact that all my best brainstorms and ideas come while I’m at work (usually fed up, annoyed or something similar), I very rarely write what I come to write. Why? I know why. Do you? I bet you do not, no matter how much you believe otherwise.
The more I write here, the closer people might eventually come to understand me. I doubt very much that it will happen, since I don’t really think a single being visits this site anyway, let alone read through my blog. Then again, it has been a long time since I have checked the stats on my site.
Oh, and by the way, I still know what I wanted to write. It would have had a different title as well. I guess you’ll never know this one, just as you shall never know what I wish to say. What I want to say, and what I do say are always very different. You may think I’m hiding, Nope. Suffering? Nope. Jealous? Wrong again. Hurt? Maybe a few physical pains from work, but that is it. Analyse me all you like, but I’m one of the most difficult people to “work out” you may ever come across. I hide everything, show nothing. I can appear to be in deep thought when my mind is actually completely clear. Not a thought in my head. “What are you thinking?”, “Nothing.”, “You’re thinking about something.”, “No, I’m not.”.
Do you think you understand me now? I can assure you of this… You know nothing about me.
I feel so annoyed right now. Two employers. Lots of money owed. To me for a change. Yet here I am. I finally got a little bit of money from one of my employers. I used this money to do some shopping, get some food for my hungry body. This money came with a promise of the rest I’m owed later. Now, I’m sorry, but later, unless otherwise stated, IN ENGLISH, means later in the day. Now, however. I’ve been told I once again will not be paid today. So what now. I have the choice of trying to socialise and make friends with ten pounds, or I can sit at home, lonesome.
I wish you could choose who your friends are. You can’t. You can choose who they might be, but the finality is always the same. Friends are people who choose you, they are not people you choose. So I ask myself. After working so hard, after trying so hard. With everything I’ve done, with everything I’m yet to do. Am I really such a dick head that I’ll never be able to have friends again.
I said some stuff yesterday that I could re-type here. I’m not going to. However, I will elaborate. Though my mind is no longer that of a child, nor is my body or what people believe to be a soul. Now, in the depths of adulthood, I lack a lot of things that are not material, that I may never have again. At one stage in my life, I had friends. At one stage in my life I even had a girlfriend. A partner. It is almost odd, how the word partner contains the word part. For all that I myself, have ever enjoyed or cherished, has now parted from not only my being, but my entire world. There is now only one person of which I speak to, that was once a friend. It would be nice to be friends again, but time passes, and people forget what makes them happy.
Happy. Happiness. Such trivial things. As a child. With the mind of a child. Happiness is easy to come by. It is all around. As an adult. With the mind of an adult. Happiness is near impossible to discover. As people grow older, they become more and more misrable. Maybe this is where the saying “Only the good die young”, comes from (probably isn’t). If one was to die young, they would die knowing happiness and friendship. When one becomes older, happiness no longer exists, and friendship is questionable. Now, in my 23rd year of life. I’ve had enough. Not only am I fed up with the things around me and the things I do, but others have had enough of me.
I do not claim to be an intelligent life form. I simply look around me, I look around the younger me and I look around the others around me for all my time. One of my employers, while shouting at me, uttered the words “Everyone only thinks about themselves, so **** them”. I may regret saying such a thing, but I’ve never really spared a real thought for myself. My mind, always, has been on others. I have looked after others better, and with more care, than I ever will myself. To me, people are important. I do not feel like a person. I am only a being. One that survives, only because others will it. Yet, if I myself ever need something or someone. I’m left alone. Darkness. Nothing but darkness. This is where I live. This is where I am. Darkness. This, is my life.
I’m going to stop typing now. Later, I may be back to type more. I may not. We shall see.
I feel I am an empty vessel, just a shell. There is nothing I hold within. Nothing seems to fulfill me, only sustain me.
If I look back over the years. I see what nobody else could possibly see, because not a single person in the world has lived the exact same life as I have lived. Many people have lived similar lives, but no-one shares the exact same life as another. When I was a child, my thoughts and mind were that of a child. That child, so full of life, so excited to exist, has with time, grown. Now I am no longer a child, and my thoughts and mind, no longer belong to a child, but an adult.
An adult. If I am an adult, and my mind is now that of an adult, why does my inner being (I assume childish), scream at me to do the things I only wish I could. My soul cries, my mind is ignored, and I deny my heart of anything and everything that it may desire. Now that I am an adult, for some reason, I can no longer allow my inner thoughts and feelings to allow themselves to be seen. Just an empty shell. Nothing in there worth a penny.
Maybe I’m just depressed again. Maybe, my thoughts are my feelings. Maybe, just maybe, I have the will somewhere deep within myself to actually give a crap.
I’ve always wanted to make others happy, to please them. This is the one thing that has not changed from child to adult. Yet, now that I am an adult, I seem unable to please a single soul. Those that I do please, are soon annoyed with me. I help others, just for the privilege of being an outcast. Friends no longer exist. Family? Some alive, some dead, family? Although this may upset some people, I have no family. I have my father, a friend and someone I look up to. I have my mother, whom I respect. I have a sister, she is more of a lier and a cheat than I ever was, yet, being the youngest, shes the “best”. I’m not bitter about this, everyone has there opinions. Mine is… I was forgotten before I was even born.
I feel as if I truly am a shell. A vessel with no innards. What is inside me, must not be let out. My child self never had the chance to fully develop. I was thrown into maturity. I matured early, apparently that never happens with the male species. So maybe I’m a complete freak. Probably.
An empty vessel. A shell. An Idiot. A child locked away screaming for vengeance. An adult not yet an adult. Night with no moon, day with no sun. There is a constant gloom around me. No-one sees it, no-one feels it. That is ofcourse, until they try to get to know me. Then, as always, I destroy all hopes and dreams for everyone concerned.
This thread is not finished. Not that anyone cares. I’ll reveal more at a later date. I would end this politely, but there really is no point. I am finding this out the hard way. When I’m polite, poeple hate me (there goes good old english values… and a life), when I’m not polite, well…
It is now confirmed that we will indeed be at Moore’s. A few people are intending to come or have said that they will come, so we’ll see. Again, the more the merrier, everyone is welcome, ofcourse, it IS a public bar after all
Anyway, I just wanted to confirm that we will be there, aswell as say that we should be there by eight. There are a few transport issues for certain people, but all should work out as there is still tomorrow day to solve these.
Have fun, and come celebrate another year survived with me.
This coming Saturday is my birthday. A few friends and I are currently making arrangements to go out on the piss, as you do when you’re still young enough to party. So, if you know me, are stalking me, or just want to meet me for no apparent reason. This is your chance. At this moment in time, the arrangements are as follows:
We will be meeting in Godalming at the Moore’s Bar, located next door (on the left) to the Kings Arms in the High Street of Godalming. We aim to be there by about 8 o’clock. Once there, the current plan is to drink and get drunk, socialise, ect. All are welcome to attend, provided they let you in. I’ve never been in the place, so I don’t know if there are any requirements of entry or not.
These plans are not yet set in stone and may change closer the time. This is because they sometimes hold events which would then mean no one would be able to get in. A friend of mine is looking to see if we will be able to use Moore’s or not. If the location changes, I will post it here. If there is no change of location, hope to see you there.
On another note, I have finally dicovered the cause of my internet connection issues… My internet security program is blocking everything and I can’t get anything done. I will sort this out as and when I get the chance. For now, I am going online for limited times only as I have to have the security disabled.
Thats it for now. You may bow before me if you wish.